The Mom of No: The low-bar Easter

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By JENNIFER LINDE
momofno@LewisvilleTexan.com

Yes, I know. You’re reading this thinking, hasn’t Easter already happened? Yes, it has. However, I couldn’t write about this before, because then I’d be giving away the Household of No Easter Bunny secrets, and also because I didn’t actually get around to doing any Easter stuff because I was busy doing other things, and all of a sudden it was the week before Easter and at that point, why bother to put up any decorations? I’d just have to take them down again. I still actually have my Valentine’s Day decorations up. Side note: by decorations, what I am really referring to is a decorative plate on my fireplace mantel.

What happened was that I never got around to buying stuff for the adolescents’ Easter baskets. In past years I would get organized before Ash Wednesday, slowly buying little gifts and treats that I knew they would really like. This parenting tradition involved going to several stores and some creative thinking on my part. This year I just never got around to it. Also there was this little voice inside my brain that had started saying. “Um, aren’t your kids getting a little old for the Easter Bunny?”

Yes, I know. You are never really too old for the Easter Bunny. Or is that Santa Claus? Oh, never mind. I have no idea if there is a traditional age at which the Easter Bunny stops coming to your house, but whatever it is, my offspring are probably rapidly approaching it.

So the week before Easter, I was at Target with the Son of Never Stops Eating. Of course they had Easter stuff all over the place, and that’s when I realized since Easter was in less than 7 days, now would be a good time to buy the Easter basket stuff, and I had one of the adolescents with me. I was going to have to be the Mom of Thinking Fast and Acting Quickly.

Go find something to do, I told the Son of Never Stops Eating. I don’t really care what it is, as long as it doesn’t involve me getting paged over the announcement system.

Can I look at the Legos, he asked me. “Yes,” I told him. “Just go.” He gave me a strange look, but he went.

I ran over to the Target Starbucks and bought a gift card, then I grabbed two bags of milk chocolate Easter eggs, one huge bag of Bubble Yum chewing gum, the Teenager’s favorite, and a bag of M&M’s — the Son of Never Stops Eating is a chocoholic. Then I went through the checkout line and added a Target gift card to my pile.

Just as the cashier started checking me out, the Son of Never Stops Eating reappeared. Go away, I told him. Go out to the front. I’ll be there in a minute.
Can I have a Lego City Lego set? He asked me. I gave him a Mom Glare. He fled the scene, and I continued my top secret Easter Bunny shopping mission.
After having successfully done my Easter Bunny shopping without raising the suspicion of any nosy teenagers, I woke up early on Easter morning, put the Starbucks gift card with the gum and one package of chocolate eggs, the Target gift card with the M&Ms and the other package of chocolate eggs, wrapped rubber bands around the gift card and candy, and put the piles on the kitchen table. Then I went back to bed. Yes, I could have put the candy in the Easter baskets, but the baskets were actually still in the attic. Climbing up into the attic at 1 a.m. seemed like a bad safety practice.

When the Teenagers woke up later that morning — or, it might have been afternoon — they were both thrilled with their loot. So there you go, the successful Low–Bar–Parenting Easter Basket.

Read more memoirs and musings from The Mom of No at themomofno.blogspot.com.